(And why it’s not so preposterous after all.)
Many of us, (women especially) have a hard time acknowledging our value and establishing our self-worth. We agonize over what a client can pay (versus what they should), or that our boss will wince when we ask for that raise. And because we worry we’ll come across too arrogantly when we push those deal terms across the table, we sell ourselves short. We let the fear of ‘no’ (the fear of rejection) stop us before we even begin.
How do we get past this? Well, the short answer is, “It’s really, really hard.” In fact, the tendency to self-discount is one of the most difficult things in the world to overcome. Why? Because there are layers and layers of emotional, psychological and cultural complexities that underlie issues of low self-worth. Conquering this big daddy, doesn’t happen overnight. But it if you’re committed, and you keep working it, you will beat it. You just gotta keep believing.
In the meantime, (as you’re working on the root causes) there are some tools you can use to help you push your way through and up; starting with an exercise I call the ‘Preposterous Proposal.’ Here’s how it works:
1) Next time you pitch a project, negotiate a raise, or put deal terms in front of investors, first write yourself a ‘Preposterous Proposal’––one that accrues so advantageously to your benefit, you can’t imagine anyone in their right mind saying yes to it. (This step should make you uncomfortable; even a wee bit embarrassed by the scope and scale of your ask.)
2) Once you’ve written your ‘Preposterous Proposal,’ SHOW yourself all the ways the essence of your shining star (your experience, your unique skill set, your commitment to the extraordinary, your company’s competitive advantage) makes what you’re asking for not so very preposterous at all. To help push yourself along, imagine you’ve hired a PR firm to put the spin on ‘you’, or an advertising agency to create your Superbowl commercial. What would that look and sound like? How might someone else sing your praises? (It is important that you really give this part of the exercise an appropriate level of attention––you have to believe in what you’re asking for so make a case for it; pull out numbers and spreadsheets if you need to; look at customer testimonials; write a list of all your career successes. Get to know yourself again––your true self––the one worth every penny she’s asking for.)
3) Take the first draft of your ‘Preposterous Proposal,’ save a version and put it aside.
4) Using the first draft as a starting point, eliminate any “I’m King of the World!” ridiculousness. (Those bits were only there to help you get over the ‘I’m not worthy’ hurdle.) Professionalize it; put it in a form that you can pitch with a straight face. (Selling is good; embellishments of truth are not. Make SURE everything you infer factually is indeed a fact.)
5) Now here’s the telling part: Take your original ‘Preposterous Proposal,’ along with your revised proposal, to a trusted third-party (adviser/mentor/coach) and ask for their opinion. Have you watered down your first ‘out of your comfort zone’ proposal too much? Are you still selling yourself short, or does your revised proposal feel like it is ‘on the money’? (An objective opinion from a skilled professional will help insure you don’t leave money on the table.)
6) Next, a reality check. This exercise is about helping you push the envelope so you get comfortable with making a much ‘bigger ask.’ But you simultaneously have to get comfortable with what doing so may mean. You may indeed, hear ‘no.’ In certain instances ‘no’ will open the door to a negotiated ‘yes’ that creates a fabulous win. In others, the first ‘no’ will be the end of it. If that thought makes you a little nervous, I get it. Sometimes you just can’t afford a ‘no’––especially when you’re first starting out. But, here’s the deal: It’s better that you make a conscious decision to discount your services versus allowing your insecurities to discount you.
7) Finally, a note on civility. Generally speaking, people don’t take issue with the fact you’ve asked; what they take issue with is how you’ve asked. Remember this is an ask, not a demand. Be respectful and gracious, even when you’re turned down. And remember, don’t take any of it personally. No person or company or ‘no’, establishes your self-worth. You do that; for yourself, by yourself.
Keep at this long enough and in time, it will become second nature. And as with most things in this miraculous Universe of ours, once you get comfortable with who you are and what your value is; doors will open and opportunities will find you.
